I hate waiting. I feel there’s a New York side to me that constantly feels like I need to be doing something; that way I feel good. I’m out hustling in the baking world trying to get my name out there for people to press pay instead of add to cart and then leave. I lack in patience, but work hard every day to practice it which is extremely hard. Nobody tells you that when you dream big dreams and put the work in sometimes you actually have to…wait (gasp for dramatic effect)! My ultimate goal is not lost on my customers, the Today’s show. I’m not sure where the dream came from, but there’s something about standing in that studio that feels like I did something right: like this dream wasn’t made up. It’s taken me a long time to believe in myself and that my product is good; self-doubt can really eat you alive. Maybe I am in a space where I feel defeated, but I won’t give up. This blog is my diary and today has been a day where I don’t want to wait: I want to hop on the express train to success and never get off. Realistically, I know I can’t live in self- doubt and fear-based thoughts. I will keep plugging along because I have learned when you truly wait and let go of plans you made, some pretty incredible things start to happen. “Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one” (thanks Grandmother Willow). I would rather not choose the smoothest course. I need to remind myself that I got here because of all the twists and turns life threw at me. I need to remember that when I lean into patience and trust,  then darkness fades and I find I am on the right path. All I can do is listen to my heart and believe that the right dream takes time.

Taking a leap of faith is scary; pulling the trigger on a God appointed dream is even scarier. I am learning to trust God and throw out every single back up plan we have. I am such a planner that I have Plan A-Z color coded and laminated! Listening to my church’s sermon this week, I learned we have to throw out every backup plan we ever created and lean into God. How does one do that? I have no idea, but today I decided I was going to take every backup plan I created in case this business didn’t work out and throw caution to the wind.

Scary right?! How do I know things will work out? Will I be a success? Will anyone even read this?!? I have been giving into fear for almost thirty years and I’m sick of letting fear win. I am so in awe of people who are truly a free spirit. I’d love to be like that, but I can’t be free without breaking up with fear. Fear has been this voice that is so loud in my mind. It criticizes me more than any person on earth could. For the longest time I just thought that these criticisms were driving me to be this perfectionist who had it figured out. 2020 came and ripped (and I mean truly ripped) to the studs everything I have been stuffing deep down and never set free.

Who likes conflict? I didn’t want to face these “I could fail moments,” so instead of facing them, I just never went after the dream. If we hold ourselves back, how will we know if we can succeed or be directed to something greater? Not only do I want fear to lose my number, but negative speaking needs to go with it. I have started to tell myself one nice thing a day, key word started! I would love to shift all these negative self-sabotaging thoughts and just take that huge leap of faith. If God appointed me to open this bakery and to be dare I say it vulnerable with people, then there is no doubt in my mind that this HAS to work. Even if it doesn’t work the way I think it will, I have experienced God opening doors and rerouting me to something better, so why not change our perspectives, and maybe stop thinking with our heads and let our hearts decide? A whole new world could be waiting for us and I dare you to try to take that leap of faith. You’re not alone, I'm jumping into the unknown with you.

Since this is an online bakery, let’s chat about baking. Have you ever made a ton of cookies and pies for the holidays with your loved ones? I have and I think that is what created my passion for baking! My mother, my sister, and I would stand at the counter rolling sugar cookie dough or squishing crumbs to make my mom’s famous apple crumb pie. My passion for baking wasn’t really there yet, but my love for eating raw dough was. That was honestly the best part of baking to me. Why bother cooking the dough, it tasted better raw (it still does). For the people who are like “bleh, gross! Raw cookie dough can make you sick,” just leave, I’m not here for any negative talk. Thanks bye!

Back to baking! As I grew up, I couldn’t wait to make batches of cookies and pies with my sister and mother because it was our time to be silly, sing, and chat. I wanted to always hold onto that feeling. I knew I was passionate about baking and cooking which is what brought me from wanting to be a second grade teacher (laughable now) to a pastry chef. Even to this day, every time I’m in the kitchen, I’m immediately relaxed and carefree; no problems, just me and my mixer.

It’s funny how the best memories are what drove me to make certain decisions in my life. Quick fun fact, I’m obsessed with Disney! My memories of Disney World drove me to intern and become a chef there, but I think God deterred me away because I applied for the wrong internship and landed quick service, not pastry chef. If you can nail an interview with Disney,  any other interview in life is a breeze.

When I am stressed at my 9-5, I bake. When finals came up in college, I baked at the weirdest hours of the night. My bedtime is now 8:00pm, so the thought of baking cookies at 1:00am would never be an option anymore. I was familiar with what needed to be done and everyone was so happy when cookies or whatever was made was put out to try. I got addicted to the feedback too! Who doesn’t want to hear that their cooking is delicious?

If I could go back to talk to my younger self, I would tell her to keep holding onto those nostalgic feelings. Sometimes I am so in my thoughts that I talk myself out of dreams, but luckily my heart never lost the desire. Maybe we need to make some decisions without using our heads. It would be nice to try things knowing you wouldn’t fail, but I keep hearing failure is a part of life blah blah. Failure aside, I continue to bake for people because it makes everyone involved happy (unless the mailman dropkicks the cookies to your door)! For that, I am sorry because it’s happened and people get pissed.

Every choice I made in my culinary career has taken me to become my own boss. If I told my younger self that, she would have the biggest smile on her face. Keep pursuing your passions, you never know what doors might open if you follow your heart and push fear aside.

Hello! Welcome to my first blog post, welcome to the five people who are probably reading this (hi mom!)  and to the people who will be scrolling through and looking at my grammar/ punctuation. I’m trying, so forgive me if I type how I would talk to you in conversation.

 Let me introduce myself outside of Loli B. Hi my name is Alex! I was born and raised in New York. About 8 years ago I told my mother I did not want to go to Syracuse University, I wanted to stay in Colorado instead. My potential roommate found me ahead of time and mentioned LIGHTLY that she was a wizard (um… yeah). Prior to moving to Colorado I did graduate from culinary school, and decided maybe I wasn’t cut out for the culinary world. Can you believe it, me doubting myself?!? Oh wait, we don't know each other well enough yet...this girl questions everything! 

I decided to take a completely different route, I wanted to be a therapist focusing on eating disorders. Well, after graduating college in 2020 (don’t put a timeline on your life), I had a reoccurring dream. This dream came to me when I was eight years old: I was running a small bakery, one that I owned. I had the dream again and again and I felt that maybe God was trying to tell me something. 

I finally listened. I took a lot of twists and turns to get here, but we made it.  

Why blog? 

I wanted to create a glimpse into my world. I share what I love, hate, and everything in between. Why should you care? Shouldn’t we swap our stories? Tell each other what works; what doesn’t; what products we love;  pretend like we have our lives together; and even giggle at ourselves!  Like my website states, I live to bake, but my world is so much more than cookie sheets and sprinkles. I found 2020 the year of learning ( i.e. beauty; Christianity; food; what I will/will not do; communicating my fears; facing them; and most of all -- a lot about myself). 

My posts are straight out of my head and heart. I figured why not try this vulnerability thing out (with the whole world), come back, pull up a chair, I think we might become friends. 

-Alex